How I Do Cooking

Author: G

  • Spamen

    It’s as quick and easy as Graham Norton

    SERVES: 2
    PREP TIME: 5 MINUTES
    COOK TIME: 5 MINUTES

    Ingredients

    1 can SPAM®
    2 packets of any instant ramen
    2 eggs
    2 heads of baby bok choy
    1 clove of garlic
    2 scallions

    Method

    Slice the Spam® into soldiers and fry in oil until brown and crispy. Set aside.

    Cook the ramen per the instructions, and poach, fry or boil two eggs.

    Mince the garlic, and fry in oil for a wee minute. Blanch the bok choy until the leaves soften and turn green.

    That’s kind of it really.

    You can kind of figure the rest out yourself. If you bought the fancy ramen, there’s probably a picture on the carton of how it’s all supposed to look.

    Notes

  • Guinness Short Ribs

    It’s a long-time favourite in our house. Cook it for two on a Friday and you’re halfway to Short Rib Eggs Benedict on Sunday morning.

    SERVES: 4
    PREP TIME: 15 MINUTES
    COOK TIME: 8 HOURS

    Ingredients

    2-3 lbs beef short ribs
    12oz Guinness Extra Stout
    32oz beef stock
    1 onion
    1 cup Worcestershire sauce
    2 or 3 cloves of garlic
    2 or 3 sprigs of fresh thyme
    2 tbsps olive oil
    2 tbsps tomato paste

    Salt & pepper

    Method

    Liberally season the ribs, then brown on all sides in a pan on medium heat. It should take you eight to ten minutes.

    With the ribs set aside, chop the onion, mince the garlic, and saute in the same pan till soft and fragrant.

    Deglaze the pan with Guinness and add with the remaining ingredients to the slow cooker: the onion, Worcestershire sauce, tomato paste, thyme, and Guinness. Add the short ribs. Cover with beef stock, and season to taste.

    Cook on low for eight hours.

    Remove the ribs to rest. Spoon off the fat, and strain half the cooking liquid into a saucepan. Reduce it over medium heat to create a sauce or use it to make gravy.

    Serve with garlic mashed potatoes and asparagus.

    Notes

    If you don’t have a slow cooker, cook covered in a roasting pan at 300°F (150 °C) for 2.5 to 3 hours.

    I use Guinness for this because I can easily find it here, but any decent stout will work. Murphy’s and Beamish, are both fantastic. Forged Irish Stout is rapist’s piss.

  • Lobster Mac and Cheese

    I didn’t grow up eating Mac and Cheese, so it’s not comfort food for me. The wife did, and she loves it, and what she loves is the revolting instant stuff.

    This is my riff on a version I tried at a local restaurant, and it’s Michigander-approved.

    SERVES: 6
    PREP TIME: 15 MINUTES
    COOK TIME:35 MINUTES

    Ingredients

    16oz/454g elbow pasta
    1-2lbs cooked lobster meat
    1/2 cup all-purpose flour
    5 tbsps butter (a stick)
    2 cups of whole milk
    8oz Gruyere cheese (2 cups)
    8oz Cheddar (2 cups)
    Salt & pepper

    Method

    Preheat your oven to 350°F/180°C.

    Cook the pasta.

    Melt the butter in a skillet, and whisk in the flour till there are no lumps left. Still whisking, add the milk and cook for about 2 minutes, until it starts to thicken. Remove from the heat and stir in the Gruyère and Cheddar until smooth and creamy. Season with salt and pepper.

    Add the pasta to a 9×13″ baking dish. Scatter the lobster meat in, and pour the sauce on top.

    You can go ahead and scatter half a cup of Parmesan over the top if you like, or breadcrumbs. That’s not my style.

    That can go in the oven for twenty-five to thirty minutes.

    Notes

  • Cod & Chorizon Crock Pot Stew

    I like Tom Kerridge, and I love his recipe for pot-roasted pollock, chickpeas, and chorizo. I’ve adapted it slightly here so it works in the slow-cooker. Also, I skip the cinnamon because cinnamon is for making biscuits.

    His recipe is good, I’ve made it. This is a little simpler. He has Michelin Stars. I do not.

    SERVES: 4-6
    PREP TIME: 10 MINUTES
    COOK TIME:6-8 HOURS

    Ingredients

    1 1/2 lbs of cod fillets
    1lb of chorizo sausage meat
    2 15.5oz cans of chickpeas
    14.5 oz. stewed tomato
    A good handful of spinach
    1 tbsp tomato paste
    1 medium onion
    3 cloves of garlic
    1 tsp smoked paprika
    2 tbsps of olive oil
    Salt & pepper

    Method

    Roll the chorizo into one-inch diameter balls.

    In a heated pan, add the olive oil and the chorizo to brown. Add diced onion to soften. Turn the heat off, and add minced garlic for a wee minute.

    Transfer the mixture to the crock pot.

    Add drained and rinsed chickpeas.

    You can just toss the tomatoes into the pot, or if you’re feeling fancy, you can drain the can and roughly chop them first. Add the tomato paste, paprika, and the stock, set to low, and let her off for about six hours.

    Cut the fish into bite-sized chunks, lay it on top of the sauce to poach, and replace the lid.

    Check on the cod after about an hour. If the fish flakes easily, it’s ready. If it’s not, check in on it in about twenty minutes, and if needs be, twenty minutes after that. It’ll get there.

    Stir the spinach into the pot until it wilts.

    Serve with a dollop of sour cream.

    Notes

    No massive changes from Tom’s recipe, but the clean-up is easier. I prefer to use uncooked chorizo sausage meat because I can get it at the supermarket.

    Tom uses pollack because it’s sustainable. If you hate the environment, any whitefish you can buy will work fine. I’ve made this with pollack, cod, whiting, and tilapia. It’s always good.

  • Honey Mustard Sauce


    PREP TIME: 2 MINUTES

    Ingredients

    1/2 cup of mayonnaise
    1 tbsp Dijon mustard
    1 tbsp yellow mustard – the soulless American shite
    3 tbsp honey
    The juice of one-half lemon
    Salt & pepper

    Method

    Combine the ingredients in a bowl and whisk till creamy. Serve with whatever un-Godly awfulness your spouse found in the freezer section.

    Notes

  • Chicken Piccata

    Delightful!

    SERVES: 2
    PREP TIME: 5 MINUTES
    COOK TIME:20 MINUTES

    Ingredients

    2 chicken breasts
    A cup or several of flour
    1 cup of chicken stock
    1/2 cup of heavy cream
    3 lemons
    2 garlic cloves
    1 or 2 tbsps of capers, more if your bird is into weird briney things
    4 tbsps of butter
    2 tbsps of olive oil
    Salt & pepper

    Method

    Halve each breast, wash the gunk off in cold water and allow to dry.

    Lemon: zest one and halve the other two.

    Mince the garlic.

    Season the chicken and dredge in flour: salt and pepper on chicken, scatter a cup or so of flour on a plate, and roll the chicken in the flour until it’s well-coated.

    Get your pan on a medium heat. Add half the olive oil and half the butter. If the butter starts to smoke, turn down the heat, or better yet, start over.

    When the butter has melted, gently lay half the chicken in the pan, and cook for six to eight minutes, turning once. Your chicken should be golden brown on both sides. The cook time depends on the thickness of the filets, so take your time. Let it sizzle, you can lift it to see if it’s browning, but relax. It’s happening,

    If you’re in doubt, cut a filet in half to check – you know what raw chicken looks like – or use a meat thermometer.

    When it’s done, remove the chicken, add the remaining oil and butter to the pan, and start the second batch. When you turn the second batch, add the halved lemons to the pan face down. Once cooked, remove the chicken and lemons from the pan and set aside.

    Add the garlic, lemon zest, and stock to the heat and rake the bottom of the pan with a wooden spoon. Add the cream and stir while bringing to a gentle boil. Return the chicken to the pan, and let everything simmer down for a couple of minutes.

    Serve over pasta.

    Notes

  • Any Fish Pie

    A pie made with fish.

    Ingredients

    About a pound of potatoes
    About a pound of whatever fish you have on hand
    1 leek
    1 tbsp flour
    1 medium onion
    1 cup of full-fat milk – and none of that UHT shite either
    4 tbsp butter
    Salt & pepper

    Method

    Cut the potatoes into same-sized chunks, and boil in salted water until forkable. Drain, and mash with a splash of milk and two tablespoons of butter.

    Thinly slice the leek, and dice the onion.

    Preheat the oven to 400°F/200°C.

    Cut any uncooked fish into bite-sized pieces, and poach in milk.

    How?

    Chuck in a pan, cover with milk, heat to an almost-boil, reduce the heat, and leave it simmer for about five minutes. Take care not to overcook.

    Strain the fish and reserve the milk.

    In the same pan, melt two tablespoons of butter over medium heat. When the butter is melted, add the onion and leek to soften, then sprinkle in the flour bit by bit, stirring with a wooden spoon as you go. Add the reserved milk in, and stir until it starts to thicken. Take off the heat and mix in the fish.

    Spread the mixture in your preferred oven dish and top with potatoes.

    That’ll do in the oven in about twenty-five minutes.

    Notes

    Let’s talk about fish for a mo’. I did really mean ANY fish you have to hand: cod, pollack, haddock, salmon, tillapia, orange roughy, swordfish….

    Shrimp? Let’s have some of those. Cockles, mussels, scallops…

    For me, smoked haddock is a taste of home. Herself is not a fan, but she’ll go along with it because she loves me. For this, I use Acme Smoked Fish Smoked Whitefish because I don’t have to wait for the postman to deliver it. It can be bought at the local supermarket, ‘proper’ smoked haddock cannot.

    If you’re adding a pre-cooked fish to the mix, add it after you’ve cooked your fresh ingredients, lest they be rendered thrice.

  • Roast Potato Salad

    It’s salad for hungry people.

    SERVES: 4
    PREP TIME: 10 MINUTES
    COOK TIME: 50 MINUTES

    Ingredients

    1 pound of wee potatoes
    2 romaine hearts (that’s lettuce)
    2 dill pickles
    1/2 a cucumber
    4 or 5 radishes
    1/4 cup mayonnaise
    1/4 cup Greek yogurt 
    2 tbsp olive oil
    1 tbsp dijon mustard
    1 tbsp pickle juice (it’s what the pickles came in)
    Salt & Pepper

    Method

    In a big pot, boil the potatoes until they’re fork-tender, drain, and allow to dry.

    Tip them onto a large oven sheet and bash with the bottom of a pint glass. Season liberally with salt and pepper, and drizzle with about two tablespoons of olive oil. Roast for thirty-five or forty minutes, turning once. 

    Roughly chop the lettuce, quarter and chop the cucumber, and slice the radishes.

    Blend the mayonnaise, yogurt, and mustard in a mixing bowl and season.

    Combine in a salad bowl and serve.

    Notes

    It’s fantastic while the potato is still hot, and great cold, but the dish doesn’t reheat well.

  • Tea

    SERVES: 1
    PREP TIME: 3 MINUTES
    BREW TIME: 3-5 MINUTES

    Ingredients

    Barry’s tea bags
    Water
    Cow juice

    A Pot of Tea

    In an electric kettle, boil about enough water to fill a teapot. 

    Scald the inside of the pot with hot water. By scald, I mean add boiling water, swirl it around, and empty the pot.

    Add one teabag per tea drinker, plus one for the pot. That’s two teabags. 

    Bring the kettle back to a boil, fill the teapot about three-quarters full, and allow to brew for three to five minutes. That’s also about the length of one RTE ad break. 

    Remove bags if arsed. 

    We can agree, can’t we, that a cup is a measurement? Pour one cup into a teacup or mug, and add a splash of milk.

    If you’re seven, add sugar. 

    Enjoy with or without biscuits. 

    Maith an cailín!

    A Mug of Tea

    Dig out the mug you were gifted by the CEO of a now-defunct animation studio two weeks before you were laid off, and before he fled to Romania with a bunch of hookers, all the cocaine, and everyone of your co-workers’ last two weeks’ wages.

    Boil kettle.

    Add one tea bag to said mug, fill with hot water, and stir. When it looks about right, mash the bag against the inside of the mug with a spoon, then discard.

    Add milk, and have a look in the press for Jammie Dodgers.

    Notes

    When I was growing up, you were either Barry’s Tea or Lyons; the only exception was if you were from Blackrock, and Ma Ma swore by Bewley’s. If you had a strange obsession with garlic bread, and slept with a teddy bear into early adulthood, you drank Bewley’s.

    Our house was Barry’s. I’m ok with that, I wasn’t buying the tea anyway, and even at eight, the Lyon’s Minstrels weirded me out. We’ll circle back to Lyon’s weirdity later*.

    The Barrys are from Cork. That’s fine. Cork perfected black pudding, and if they hadn’t perfected tea, they’d have taken credit for it anyway. That’s what Cork people do.

    Herself is tickled pink when we’re back in Ireland at the mandatory morning coffee review with my aunties. 

    I’ll ask for tea, and that request is sufficient, while her request for coffee comes with multiple add-on enquiries. It’s exactly – as she will tell you – the opposite of asking for tea in America. To her, asking for tea in Ireland is like visiting the Upside Down. I suppose it is. 

    The ONLY place in Ireland – that I’m aware of – where they don’t seem to know how to make tea is Burger King at Dublin airport. You’ll  get a paper cup of lukewarm water with a Protestant  teabag on the side. 

    Irish, English, and Scottish breakfast teas are all blends of black tea. English tea is piss,  Irish tea has a strong Assam component, which gives it a stronger, bolder, maltier taste, and a lovely reddish colour.. It;s perfect. Scottish tea is a punchier blend because the Scots have no tastebuds from smoking all the fags.

    Black tea needs boiling water to open up its flavour, so starting the brew between 200°F and 212°F (93°C and 100°C), which is just off the boil, is ideal.

    If you think Kelvin is the way to go, let’s call it even at 373.15K. I agree with you, let’s go with Kelvin!

    Tea Etiquette

    Upon entering an Irish household, you’ll be offered tea more or less immediately, and most certainly before you’ve taken your seat in the “good room.” Once presented, accept the offer graciously, even if you really wanted coffee.

    Children have no business making tea. If a child offers you tea, it should only be in the context of a doll’s tea party where you and a stuffed donkey are the guests of honour. Accept graciously, mime a sip or two, and murmur appreciatively. She’s six, and you’ve made your niece’s day, now go inside and see if there’s a pot on the go. If there isn’t, wait.

    Here‘s a video of Garron Noone getting upset about someone making a hames of a cuppa. He’s precious!

    Grandma Simon always has a box of Barry’s handy when we go to Grand Rapids for a visit. I love her.

    *: Lyons stuck with the minstrels well into the nineties, releasing a set of collectible badges in 1996 to highlight their redesign, and by redesign, I mean they finally ditched the blackface and gave them all names: Lucky, Smiler, Showy, Tricky, Sleepy, Happy, Dancer, and Hoppy.

  • Chicken Chili

    SERVES: 4 (PROBABLY)
    PREP TIME: 10 MINUTES
    COOK TIME: 6-8 HOURS

    Ingredients

    1 supermarket rotisserie chicken
    3 15.5oz/440g cans of cannellini beans
    1 7oz/200g can of sweet corn, or Mexicorn®, or whatever’s handy
    1 4oz/113g can of chopped green chiles
    8 cups of chicken broth
    1 green bell pepper
    1 medium white or yellow onion
    2 cloves of garlic
    1 tbsp olive oil
    Salt & pepper

    Method

    Bust out the slow cooker.

    Chop the onion and sweat it in a frying pan with a bit of oil, add the garlic and cook for a wee minute. That can go in the pot.

    Pull and shred the chicken, that goes in the pot.

    Roughly chop the pepper into pleasing bite-sized bits. Those goes go in the pot.

    Drain and rinse the beans, and oh look, you’re there already: into the pot with them.

    Add the contents of the wee chopped chili can, same goes for the sweetcorn.

    Add the broth.

    Cook on low for six to eight hours.

    Serve with a dollop of sour cream or Mexican crema in, and crusty bread on the side.

    Notes

    I use a rotisserie chicken because I’m lazy, and you’ll never do better at home. This is more assembly than cooking anyway, but if you must do everything yourself, you’ll want about a pound and a half of cooked chicken meaty goodness.

    If you want to go veggie, skip the chicken.

    Any kind of white bean is fine. I promise.

    Personally, I’d add half a teaspoon or more of chili powder and a sliced chili or two, but herself gets awful heartburn. This one’s family-friendly.