How I Do Cooking

Author: G

  • Tayto Sandwich

    SERVES: 1
    PREP TIME: 1 MINUTE
    COOK TIME: N/A

    Ingredients

    1 bag of Tayto Cheese and Onion Crisps 
    2 slices of white supermarket bread
    Irish creamery butter

    Method

    Generously butter one slice of bread.

    Empty the packet onto your buttered slice.

    Place the second slice of bread atop.

    Smash, and eat.

    Notes

    For best results, use the nasty white kind of supermarket bread that gives seagulls diabetes.

    A slice of cheese is optional and perhaps controversial, but if you fancy giving it a go, make sure it’s one of those questionable types you’d think twice about feeding to your children. In Ireland, buy Easi Singles; in the US, Velveeta or American cheese is a perfectly acceptable pasteurized prepared dairy product.

  • Air Fryer Asparagus

    If you just want the cook time, it’s three minutes at 400°F/200°C. You’re welcome.

    SERVES: 2
    PREP TIME: 2 MINUTES
    COOK TIME: 3 MINUTES

    Ingredients

    A bundle of supermarket asparagus.
    1 tbsp olive oil
    Salt & pepper

    Method

    Take the air fryer your mother-in-law bought you for Christmas down from the attic. With a boxcutter, carefully peel off the box the fryer came in, discard the box, along with the instruction booklet.

    Wash, rinse, and dry the fiddly bits.

    When the air fryer bits are dry, assemble the gadget and preheat to 400°F/200°C.

    Get the asparagus out. Cut off the elastic band and spread the spears out over a clean, flat surface. 

    Have a good long think about everyone who’s pawed since it was picked, packed, shipped to, and sat in the supermarket. Let your verminophobia be your guide on how meticulously it needs to be washed.

    Cut the woodiest bits off the bottom of each spear of asparagus with a sharp knife, or you can do what I do:  Hold each tree penis where it was cut from the plant, then pull the bell end back towards the bottom of the shaft until it snaps. Repeat for each spear.

    Fong the lot into a bowl, season with salt and pepper, and add a splash of olive oil. Shake the bowl until all the spears are lightly coated in oil. You really want the oil to just wave at the asparagus. Less is more.

    All that goes into the air fryer for three minutes. Pull the basket out halfway through cooking, and give it a good shake. 

    That’s it.

    Serve with a squeeze of lemon.

    Notes

  • Tuna Pasta (Date Night Edition)

    This is the same basic recipe I’ve been making since I was in my twenties, but with some upmarket ingredients.

    SERVES: 2
    PREP TIME: 2 MINUTES
    COOK TIME: 10 MINUTES

    Ingredients

    12oz/340g canned tuna in oil – buy the fancy stuff
    2oz/56g anchovies in oil
    8oz/227g spaghetti (that’s half the box)
    2 garlic cloves, minced
    1/2 tsp chili flakes
    1 small onion, finely chopped
    1 lemon
    Salt & pepper

    Method

    Start the pasta.

    Open the tuna and drain the oil into a bowl. Same goes for the anchovies.

    Mince the garlic, mince the anchovies, and finely chop the onion.

    When the pasta is about a minute shy of ‘doneness,’ take it off the heat, saving a cup of the pasta water, and drain in a colander.

    Put the pot back on the heat, add the reserved oil. 

    When the oil is hot, add the onion, anchovies, and chili flakes. Sauté (bounce it around with a wooden spoon) until the onion is soft.

    Shag in the garlic while you’re at it.

    Add the water you saved, the pasta water, then the pasta to the pot.

    Toss gently for a minute or two, using a pair of wooden spoons, or whatever is handy. Forks, chopsticks, two old screwdrivers….

    Gently fork in the tuna. What you’re really trying to do here is pull the pasta over the tuna, rather than mash the tuna chunks into the pasta. If that doesn’t make sense now, it will when you’re at the stove.

    That goes into two big bowls. 

    Crack of pepper, go easy on the salt.

    Lemon zest goes over the top, then a good squeeze of lemon juice.

    Notes

    Anchovies are very salty, so you won’t need much additional seasoning unless you’re my father-in-law.

    My lady wife loves the heat the chili flakes add, but I prefer it without. Ditch the chili flakes for a more citrus-forward dish.

    If you don’t have a kitchen grater to zest the lemon, and don’t know where to buy one, I recommend the Stanley 6 in. Pocket Surform Plane, available at all major hardware stores.

  • Microwave Poached Egg

    There is, of course, a correct method to poach an egg, and this isn’t it. This method is for when you’re hungry, have to leave in fifteen to catch the 8:27, and don’t want cornflakes. Cornflakes are for the institutionalized, whose doctors wish they wouldn’t masturbate so much. I don’t eat cornflakes.

    SERVES: 1
    PREP TIME: 1 MINUTE
    COOK TIME: 1 MINUTE

    Ingredients

    1 egg
    Paprika
    Salt & pepper

    Method

    Put the kettle on.

    If you don’t own an electric kettle, you’ll have to get creative.

    When the kettle is off the boil, add a pinch of salt to a Pyrex jug, then about 250ml/8oz of hot water. If you overfill the jug, it will boil over.

    Crack the egg straight into the water. Cracking it into a ramekin first only adds a dish to wash.

    Microwave for 1 minute.

    Transfer the egg to a serving plate using a slotted spoon or, even better, onto hot buttered toast.

    Season with salt, pepper, and throw a good shake of paprika over the top.

    Notes

    Using your microwave to poach an egg is easy, but be prepared for a gentle learning curve. If you’re not satisfied with the doneness, cook for an additional 15 seconds, then rinse and repeat until it’s to your liking. It’s all about the wattage, darling!

    If you have a dog, you’ll be his or her hero while you’re figuring it all out.

    My father was having an issue with exploding yolks in the microwave, which he resolved – on the advice of my cousin’s widower – by poking a hole in the yolk with a knitting needle and covering the top of the mug he uses with clingfilm.
    “Right so Da!”

    I took some photos of an egg I made. I didn’t like them, so there are no photos. It’s an egg; you can use your imagination.

  • Tuna Pasta

    This recipe was taught to me thirty years ago by an Italian art director named Guido Orlandi. Lovely bloke! It’s cheap, quick, easy to make, and rather tasty.

    SERVES: 2
    PREP TIME: 2 MINUTES
    COOK TIME: 10 MINUTES

    Ingredients

    12oz/340g canned tuna in oil
    8oz/227g spaghetti (half a small box)
    2 garlic cloves, minced
    1 small onion, finely chopped
    1 lemon – if you have one
    Salt & pepper

    Method

    Get out your best pasta-making pot.

    The instructions for the pasta are on the box; follow them.

    While the pasta is on the go, mince the garlic and chop the onion. Crack the can of tuna and drain it, reserving the oil.

    Start testing the pasta 2-3 minutes before the recommended time. When it’s almost, but not quite, al dente, take it off the heat.

    Save a cup of the pasta water – yes, that’s what it’s called – and drain the pasta in a colander.

    Put the pot back on the heat, add the reserved oil, then the onion. Cook until soft and fragrant. Add the garlic, then the water.

    Add the pasta back into the pot and gently toss for a minute or so while it finishes cooking.

    Gently fork in the tuna.That goes into two bowls.

    Season with salt and pepper. If you have a lemon laying around, a little zest, and a squeeze, then dinner is ready.

    Notes

    Don’t get too hung up on the measurements. If you don’t have a 12-oz tin of tuna, use three of the little ones. Don’t have a small onion? Get a big onion and cut it in half.

    If you don’t know how to mince garlic, use a Slap-chop or Oxo Vegetable Chopper.

    Zesting a lemon is so easy, even AI can do it. Here’s what the internet says:

    To zest a lemon, you’ll need a citrus zester, a microplane, or a box grater. Start by washing and drying the lemon. Then, use your chosen tool to gently remove the yellow outer layer of the peel, avoiding the white pith underneath, which is bitter. 

    Here’s a more detailed breakdown of how to zest a lemon using different tools:

    Microplane:

    1. Hold the lemon in one hand and the microplane in the other.
    2. Gently rub the lemon against the microplane, rotating it as you go to get the zest from all sides.
    3. Continue until you’ve removed the yellow zest and only the white pith remains. 

    Box Grater:

    1. Place the lemon on the small holes of the box grater.
    2. Move the lemon back and forth, rotating it to get zest from all sides.
    3. Avoid grating too deep and getting the white pith. 

    Citrus Zester:

    1. Hold the zester firmly against the lemon and push down into the skin.
    2. Pull the zester down the length of the lemon to create strands of zest.
    3. Repeat around the lemon until you’ve removed the desired amount of zest. 

    Important notes:

    • The zest is the flavorful outer yellow layer of the lemon peel. 
    • The white pith underneath is bitter and should be avoided when zesting. 
    • You can use the zest in various recipes for added flavor, such as in baking, sauces, or marinades. 

    Thanks Google!