How I Do Cooking

Category: breakfast

  • Tea

    SERVES: 1
    PREP TIME: 3 MINUTES
    BREW TIME: 3-5 MINUTES

    Ingredients

    Barry’s tea bags
    Water
    Cow juice

    A Pot of Tea

    In an electric kettle, boil about enough water to fill a teapot. 

    Scald the inside of the pot with hot water. By scald, I mean add boiling water, swirl it around, and empty the pot.

    Add one teabag per tea drinker, plus one for the pot. That’s two teabags. 

    Bring the kettle back to a boil, fill the teapot about three-quarters full, and allow to brew for three to five minutes. That’s also about the length of one RTE ad break. 

    Remove bags if arsed. 

    We can agree, can’t we, that a cup is a measurement? Pour one cup into a teacup or mug, and add a splash of milk.

    If you’re seven, add sugar. 

    Enjoy with or without biscuits. 

    Maith an cailín!

    A Mug of Tea

    Dig out the mug you were gifted by the CEO of a now-defunct animation studio two weeks before you were laid off, and before he fled to Romania with a bunch of hookers, all the cocaine, and everyone of your co-workers’ last two weeks’ wages.

    Boil kettle.

    Add one tea bag to said mug, fill with hot water, and stir. When it looks about right, mash the bag against the inside of the mug with a spoon, then discard.

    Add milk, and have a look in the press for Jammie Dodgers.

    Notes

    When I was growing up, you were either Barry’s Tea or Lyons; the only exception was if you were from Blackrock, and Ma Ma swore by Bewley’s. If you had a strange obsession with garlic bread, and slept with a teddy bear into early adulthood, you drank Bewley’s.

    Our house was Barry’s. I’m ok with that, I wasn’t buying the tea anyway, and even at eight, the Lyon’s Minstrels weirded me out. We’ll circle back to Lyon’s weirdity later*.

    The Barrys are from Cork. That’s fine. Cork perfected black pudding, and if they hadn’t perfected tea, they’d have taken credit for it anyway. That’s what Cork people do.

    Herself is tickled pink when we’re back in Ireland at the mandatory morning coffee review with my aunties. 

    I’ll ask for tea, and that request is sufficient, while her request for coffee comes with multiple add-on enquiries. It’s exactly – as she will tell you – the opposite of asking for tea in America. To her, asking for tea in Ireland is like visiting the Upside Down. I suppose it is. 

    The ONLY place in Ireland – that I’m aware of – where they don’t seem to know how to make tea is Burger King at Dublin airport. You’ll  get a paper cup of lukewarm water with a Protestant  teabag on the side. 

    Irish, English, and Scottish breakfast teas are all blends of black tea. English tea is piss,  Irish tea has a strong Assam component, which gives it a stronger, bolder, maltier taste, and a lovely reddish colour.. It;s perfect. Scottish tea is a punchier blend because the Scots have no tastebuds from smoking all the fags.

    Black tea needs boiling water to open up its flavour, so starting the brew between 200°F and 212°F (93°C and 100°C), which is just off the boil, is ideal.

    If you think Kelvin is the way to go, let’s call it even at 373.15K. I agree with you, let’s go with Kelvin!

    Tea Etiquette

    Upon entering an Irish household, you’ll be offered tea more or less immediately, and most certainly before you’ve taken your seat in the “good room.” Once presented, accept the offer graciously, even if you really wanted coffee.

    Children have no business making tea. If a child offers you tea, it should only be in the context of a doll’s tea party where you and a stuffed donkey are the guests of honour. Accept graciously, mime a sip or two, and murmur appreciatively. She’s six, and you’ve made your niece’s day, now go inside and see if there’s a pot on the go. If there isn’t, wait.

    Here‘s a video of Garron Noone getting upset about someone making a hames of a cuppa. He’s precious!

    Grandma Simon always has a box of Barry’s handy when we go to Grand Rapids for a visit. I love her.

    *: Lyons stuck with the minstrels well into the nineties, releasing a set of collectible badges in 1996 to highlight their redesign, and by redesign, I mean they finally ditched the blackface and gave them all names: Lucky, Smiler, Showy, Tricky, Sleepy, Happy, Dancer, and Hoppy.

  • Morcillo Hash

    SERVES: 2
    PREP TIME: 10 MINUTES
    COOK TIME: 20 MINUTES

    Ingredients

    8oz/226g potatoes
    8oz/226g morcillo
    1 small onion
    2 tbsp olive oil
    Salt & pepper

    Method

    Dice the potatoes into small-ish bits, about a 1/4″ or so, and blanch in salted water for four or five minutes. Drain and set aside to dry.

    Chop the onion. Cut the morcillo into little cubes that enthusiastically embrace how you’ve styled the potato.

    Season the potatoes, and get them going in a hot pan with your olive oil. They’ll start to brown in about five minutes, when they do, add the onion and let it soften.

    Add the morcillo, give it all a good mix, and keep it on the heat for another five minutes or so.

    Once the morcillo looks right, it’s ready.

    Notes

  • Black Pudding and Avocado Toast

    SERVES: 1
    PREP TIME: 3 MINUTES
    COOK TIME: 7 MINUTES

    Ingredients

    4 slices of black pudding
    1 slice of sourdough bread
    1 avocado
    Salt & pepper
    Lemon juice

    Method

    Preheat your air fryer to 375°F/190°C.

    Halve the avocado and remove the pit. Squeeze the fruit into a bowl. Season, give it a squirt of lemon juice, and mash with a fork.

    Four half-inch slices of black pudding go in the fryer for seven minutes. Turn them over at the four-minute mark.

    Make the toast. You know how to make toast.

    Assembly

    I think you’re there already, but just in case:

    Avocado goes on toast. Pudding goes on avocado. The whole lot goes in your cake hole.

    Notes

    If you’re feeling like taking it up a notch, throw an egg on it: A poached egg.

    If I don’t have Irish black pudding to hand, and I’m jonesing, I’ll buy morcilla up the road. I’ve tried a few, and I like the Argentinian one the best.

  • Boiled Eggs

    Ingredients

    Eggs

    Method One

    Bring a medium-sized pan of water to a rolling boil. By rolling, I mean bubbling, gurgling, and busy sounding.

    With a slotted spoon, lower in your eggs.

    Let that alone for four and a half minutes.

    Remove from water with a slotted spoon.

    Method Two

    Put your eggs in a medium-sized pan and cover with about an inch of water.

    Heat on, bring the water to a boil. Take it off the heat. Let that sit for eight minutes.

    Remove from water.

    Notes

    The USDA requires that eggs be washed and ‘processed’ before being sold. And that’s fine, but washing the eggs removes the bloom, which is a natural coating on the egg that prevents bacteria from penetrating the shell. So puh-lease keep them in the fridge.
    If you have time, let your eggs come to room temperature before you start cooking. If you don’t, the eggs may crack when they meet boiling water for the first time and emit odd-looking whirly bits.

    To test the freshness of your eggs, treat them like witches.
    Fill a bowl with cold water, and drop the egg in. If it sinks and lies on its side, it’s innocent. If it sinks and stands somewhat upright, it’s innocent but a little older.
    If it floats, it’s guilty. Burn appropriately at the stake.

  • Microwave Poached Egg

    There is, of course, a correct method to poach an egg, and this isn’t it. This method is for when you’re hungry, have to leave in fifteen to catch the 8:27, and don’t want cornflakes. Cornflakes are for the institutionalized, whose doctors wish they wouldn’t masturbate so much. I don’t eat cornflakes.

    SERVES: 1
    PREP TIME: 1 MINUTE
    COOK TIME: 1 MINUTE

    Ingredients

    1 egg
    Paprika
    Salt & pepper

    Method

    Put the kettle on.

    If you don’t own an electric kettle, you’ll have to get creative.

    When the kettle is off the boil, add a pinch of salt to a Pyrex jug, then about 250ml/8oz of hot water. If you overfill the jug, it will boil over.

    Crack the egg straight into the water. Cracking it into a ramekin first only adds a dish to wash.

    Microwave for 1 minute.

    Transfer the egg to a serving plate using a slotted spoon or, even better, onto hot buttered toast.

    Season with salt, pepper, and throw a good shake of paprika over the top.

    Notes

    Using your microwave to poach an egg is easy, but be prepared for a gentle learning curve. If you’re not satisfied with the doneness, cook for an additional 15 seconds, then rinse and repeat until it’s to your liking. It’s all about the wattage, darling!

    If you have a dog, you’ll be his or her hero while you’re figuring it all out.

    My father was having an issue with exploding yolks in the microwave, which he resolved – on the advice of my cousin’s widower – by poking a hole in the yolk with a knitting needle and covering the top of the mug he uses with clingfilm.
    “Right so Da!”

    I took some photos of an egg I made. I didn’t like them, so there are no photos. It’s an egg; you can use your imagination.